Becoming a Surrendered Wife.

My best girl friend let me borrow a book called "The Surrendered Wife" By Laura Doyle, And wow did it impact my life!
I just barely finished it and already my marriage has improved more than i ever thought possible!


Everything that I thought was "wrong" with him was actually wrong with me! I just needed to open my eyes.

It's been less than a week since I started Surrendering and He's already more of a man than I thought possible, His financial skills have become amazing, He is spending more time with our daughter, He's made some really good decisions for our family AND our sex life is AMAZING.

He's taking the lead more than ever before and it's really...attractive. I've never felt this attracted to him. When he tells me what to do or tells me he is "boss" it really turns me on. I never expected this, but it's definitely a good surprise :).

I thought becoming surrendered would be a nightmare and I thought it would take a few months of misery before any good came out of it.. It took one day!

The most amazing thing I have ever done for my marriage is Surrender.
I feel more loved than i ever have before and I love him more than I ever have before.

It's a win win!

Sisters

We have been living with our friend's since July and are moving up to my parent's in less than 2 weeks.

It has been so great here. My kid gets along with their kids. My husband get's along with my friends husband. And me and my friend have grown so much closer since we moved in.

I am going to miss it so much. Our talks, cooking together, cleaning together, giving opinions, watching our kids play together. Everything.

I've never felt sad to leave people's houses... It's always been a relief and even though us moving is a good thing and is leading us to a more permanent home, I am feeling happy and sad all at the same time!

My friend T has helped me so much. With my self esteem, in my marriage, has pushed me to think things through more than I usually do, has given some great advice and encouraged and just all around has helped me grow in all areas of my life.

She is so much more amazing than I knew before we moved in. I have seen so many new sides of her. And the more I see the more I am blown away. Seeing her daily shows me that there are actually truly decent people in this world. Her family are great. Not perfect of course, but that's part of knowing they are decent, is seeing they make mistakes but are always trying to be the best they can be. Seeing that is amazing.

I don't have many friends, the ones I do have are not "deep" friends. Just people I hang out with and have some good conversations with. So to have a deep connection with someone is really nice.

T and I have always called each other sisters. We share a love with Jesus and we are sisters through Christ. But living here has really made our sister bond grow beyond what I ever imagined.

Living here made me realize, She really is my sister. She really is my family. Without a doubt, she will always be there.

Thank you God, for giving me the sister I always needed.

Sometimes all you can do is give up and stop expecting things that don't happen.

It's been 3 years. And it doesn't get better. It gets worse. I can't explain how badly it feels to not be wanted. To never be touched.
I sit here crying, not knowing what to do. I can't fix this. I try to find ways that it could be me, things to do to fix it. But I can't. It's not me. It's all him.

I have tried everything. For 10 months I tried daily, getting rejected everyday, feeling broken inside and just hurt. I never gave up. I tried and tried and nothing changed. My feelings got hurt more and more to the point where I just couldn't try anymore.

At some point I stopped trying completely. I stopped wearing make up. I stopped dressing up. Especially after I had our baby. Tshirts and jeans were my daily life.

We moved in with good friends that helped me feel pretty again. My best friend did my make up and forced me to put on some nice clothes. I felt good. He didn't give a shit. Nothing changed. Did it for another month. Nothing. 15 days without sex. More than half those days I looked hot, I felt attractive and I felt people look at me, not him. I even wore heels and I don't ever wear heels.

I'm done. At some point you have to just stop hoping and stop trying or you will just fall into a depression. I can't do this to myself. I can't try everyday to look good and not be noticed. I can't handle months of rejection all over again. I start hating myself. Wondering why I don't look good to him. Wondering if I'm really that undesirable.
Atleast if I dress like shit I can half way understand why he doesn't want me. I can pretend that it's my fault and pretend that at some point I can "try" again.

My husband is my best friend. My daughters daddy. My financial provider. He is not a sex partner. And eventually I know I will accept it. Eventually I won't care about sex anymore. If I go long enough without it my body stops craving it so I know I will be ok.

Now that I know not to hope for a sex life I know it will be easier to get over. I won't feel so stuck when I can expect it to be this way. It's all about not expecting certain things. As long as I don't have expectations I can be happy.

Suicide

Last night I found out a friend of ours committed suicide on July 11th.

I hadn't seen him post on facebook in awhile so I went to his profile to see how he was doing and I found R.I.P comments.
In that moment I felt like I hit a brick wall. My stomach felt like I got hit by truck.
Right then my husband walked in the room and all I could say is "he's dead. He's dead".

I've neverr had direct suicide effect my life. This is new. This feeling sucks. I keep crying and crying. It helps. I feel like if I keep crying I'll eventually feel at peace. Maybe I will. Other moments I feel as if it's unreal or not true. It's weird.

My husband shuts down. I don't know how he is handling it. I just know David was his best friends for a year before we moved and we practically lived with him for 4 months out of that year.

In those months being close to him we saw signs of depression and signs of guilt and regret in his past. He blamed himself for things that he had no control over.

I thought he was doing better. He had a girlfriend that loved him, he moved back "home". He was at a high point in his life. The only thing I can guess is he didn't feel he deserved what he had?

No matter what, it is sad. It's sad he felt the need to leave this earth so soon to get away from himself. It's sad that he couldn't know that things weren't his fault and that he can't control other people. It's sad that he left his girl after starting a strong relationship with her. It's all just sad.

Even though the past 15 hours have been full of tears I can still smile on the inside thinking of memories we had with him.
BBQ's, dinner at our house, hang out's at his house, the time he held Emily and got so excited (when he never holds newborns), The time he got Kendell so drunk, I was SO mad but we laughed later.

Even though I don't feel we helped him, I don't feel that we didn't help him. I feel that we helped him as much as we could have and that no matter how much people helped him, it was going to happen. I feel blessed to have known him and to go through this experience.  It's another lesson God has sent me. Another trial to make me stronger.

R.I.P David, I hope you find the peace you deserve to have. I'm sorry life on earth wasn't what it needed to be for you. We love you. You are missed.

Learning to trust God, With everything.

A week and a half ago my husband got fired from his job for something he didn't do and he now will have a misdemeanor on his record.

He had a interview for the perfect job for our family on Wednesday and finds out tomorrow morning if he gets it or not. There was two people that interviewed for it, My husband being one of them. The hiring manager said he was on the fence about who to hire and that he was going to sleep on it and call in the morning.

We are so anxious to hear, so hopeful and praying so hard that if this is the job for our family that God will speak to this man.

It's been hard, for both of us to trust God completely with everything. But we have been doing well and God has shown us in the past week and a half that He provides through things other than jobs and money.

My parents and my Best friend and her husband have both offered us a home, food, everything we need to live until we can get back on our feet. Because of all the wonderful people in our life we really have nothing to worry about... Nothing at all. That is amazing.

Even if we don't get this job I know God has a plan for us and He will care for us and always give us what we need.

Now we pray for understanding, no matter what happens.

My weight loss and health gained journey

It's been very many months since I've blogged! This is the first time I have had a computer to do it and the first time I've had enough time to do it! My little girl is growing up and needs lots of time with me so computer time is very rare. But it is late and she is asleep so I finally have some time and a computer at the same time!

For the last 15 months I have been on a weight loss journey on and off... A few months of those 15 I wasn't able to eat well because of money issues and living with people that didn't eat well. But we are finally settled down and again and I am finally eating better!
This month I have really been working hard on eating really well. I have lost 4 pounds in the last 6 days. But this is normal for my body whenever I start eating a little better.
I am doing a 2 week "cleanse", it consists of a fruit smoothuie for breakfast, A vegetable smoothie for lunch and a salad and meat dinner.
After this 2 weeks I will be on a regular lifestyle plan of low carb foods. Eliminating most Flour, Sugar, Potatoes and All processed foods.

My biggest problem with weight loss is I don't get enough exercise. I don't go outside by myself so I usually only get out once or twice a week. I REALLY REALLY want a exercise bike but it's not in our budget yet. So for now I do a few inside exercises and continue to eat good.
For the past 10 months I have been stuck between 158-169. When I was 6 months post partum I was down to 165, 3 pounds below my pre pregnancy weight. I was wearing size 14 pants and size L to XL shirts.
At 15 months post partum I'm down to a size 11 pants and almost all L shirts. So there is progress. It's just a lot slower than I want.
I am hoping this blogging will help motivate me but we will see.
My husband has lost 60 pounds since January! He is doing so good. He is below 300 for the first time in awhile and I am so proud of him. Our eating lifestyle has changed so much and helped so much. I can't wait to be able to afford even better foods and more veriety. Not having much veriety is what is hardest for me I think. Living off a $8 dollar an hour job is hard period! Ahaha.

Anyway my brain is no longer working at this hour so I am going to get some sleep!

Lost.

Since I have internet for awhile I figured I'd start blogging again. I need to start getting things out of my head.

In the last 8 months I have had a baby (she is 8 months today!), moved 3 times, Wyoming to Montana, Montana to Mississippi, Mississippi back to Wyoming, And and soon will be moving a 4th time to our own house in Wyoming.

Things have been rough. I had PPD for 4 1/2 months after Emily was born. I know I got it because we moved when she was a month old and it was really stressful and our living situation in Montana was not good. I never thought I could get PPD because being married and having a baby were always my dream and how could I be depressed when I got my dream come true? It came out of nowhere. I can't even talk/type about it without getting tears.

Now that I am over that, things are a little better. I finally smile everyday, I laugh again. I am thankful for what God has given me.

But, I am lost.

Since Emily was born I haven't had a "home" to care for. I haven't had a kitchen or a bathroom or a house of my own. The "home" in Montana didn't have a bathroom, or a kitchen that worked. I couldn't even cook or shower there.

I haven't felt like a wife since Emily was born. I used to cook 2-3 meals a day. I haven't cooked in months.

Now I'm in a real house but it's not my own and I can't cook whenever I want or clean or do anything my way. I can't even eat real food right now because we are so broke.


We have never been this broke, my husband is giving plasma just to bring in some food every week. We got here a week ago. No job calls yet. I pray so hard every night.

We NEED our own home. We NEED good food. Emily NEEDS a schedule and her own permanent bed and a house she can play in without worrying about pissing off other people. She will be crawling in the next week and I'm sad about it because she can't crawl in this house. She needs something stable. I need stable. Kendell needs stable. We all need a place we can call home. I need my kitchen and my bathroom. He needs a job he gets paid decent at and hopefully a job he can love. We need to settle down. Whether it be a year, 10 years or forever. We need to stop and stay and get established and enjoy family and love each other and be happy together.

I just want to feel like a wife again and be the mother I always wanted to be. I want to cook again. 3 meals a day and make baby food and store food and make homemade bread and invite people over to eat my food. I want to build up confidence in my cooking again. I want to be able to shower whenever I want and I want to be able to clean my house and organize my way and I want to wake up to just me, Emily and Kendell. I want to breastfeed all over my house without people around. I want Emily to be able to crawl wherever and whenever. I just need to be home. I've never been home.

God, Please please find Kendell the perfect job and the perfect home for our family.

Why rush?

I am 39 1/2 weeks pregnant. My "due date" is on Sunday. My body is preparing. I have felt in labor a few times this past week but it always stopped and I know it's just my body getting ready.

My Doctor, or the doctor (I don't claim her as mine because I cannot stand her) wants to start non-stress tests at 40 weeks 1 day and she wants to do a ultrasound that day as well. She also wants to strip my membranes.
It is ridiculous. Going over your due date by one day is NOT a emergency!
I am canceling my appointment and making one for 41 weeks 1 day, if I am still pregnant I will do the non-stress test that day. But I won't do a ultrasound. $700 dollars for something that isn't needed that probably is bad for me and the baby is just stupid.

This pregnancy has gone so good. I have stayed pretty calm and have stayed really healthy. I had some swelling but that went away with a high protein diet (my dr. wanted me on strict bed rest and only getting up to pee and shower and eat, even though I'm 39 weeks and the only symptom I had was swelling she assumed I have preeclamcia...).
I still feel great. I am big, but it doesn't bother me or effect most of what I do daily. I wouldn't have a problem going 42 weeks at all if that is what the baby needs.

Tonight is a full moon. A lot of people think babies are born on full moons. My mom had her first baby on a full moon and that night there were 43 other women in labor. Obviously the baby has to be ready, but maybe tonight is the night, either way I am happy. Everyone says the last few weeks/days are the hardest. I have had a few hard days where I got so anxious and just wanted the baby to be here already. But for the most part I'm not in a hurry.
I will miss this. The kicks and just knowing there is life inside of me. The baby is as close to me as he ever will be. I am going to enjoy it while it lasts!
And while I am enjoying these last few days, I look forward to the day he is in our arms :).

Jacob or Emily, come when you are ready, I am ready for you:).

Birthday's

Today is my husband's birthday.

I am so blessed to have him in my life. I thank God daily for him and today is the day he was born, 20 years ago and that is something worth celebrating!

Birthday's scare me. They make me wonder "How many more does this person have?". They really make me appreciate that person and count all my blessings.

In just a few days there will be another Birthday to celebrate... Our babies birthday. So exciting and nerve wracking at the same time! This pregnancy has gone by so fast, now I need to get it through my head that in just a few short days our lives will be changed by such a wonderful life...A little precious baby that we love so much already. I get happy tears just thinking about it!

Okay, I need to get things done! I am making Kendell his favorite meal, Sesame Chicken. And I am putting up some birthday things and cleaning and cooking chili for my parent's because they are coming for dinner.

Happy Birthday Kendell! I love you. So much..

A new neighbor and sharing food!

We have another new neighbor. And he is 100000 times better than all the old neighbors! He is quiet, doesn't have friend's over other than one and he is Kendell's friend.

But the most exciting thing for me is, I get to share food with him! Everyone knows how picky Kendell is. He rarely eats any of the dishes that I LOVE so I always end up not making what I like or making too much. Which is fine but I'd much rather share my food with someone who enjoys it.

The first night he moved in I had made chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes and gravy with corn and him and the guys helping him move were begging Kendell to bring some out because they smelled it ahaha.
So last night we brought some of my Chicken Enchilada's over to him and he loved them.

I know it may not seem like a big deal, but to share my cooking with someone who likes it is a big deal. To be able to help someone out whether it's with food or whatever is really exciting to me.

So thankful to have a quiet neighbor, who is a friend to my husband.

That is all for now :)

Lets be Honest.

So I am on a weight loss, get healthy journey. Yes I am 35 weeks pregnant so losing weight right now isn't the goal. Starting new habits and losing old ones is goal.

I am having a hard time. I have always been the type that is 100% motivated, or not motivated at all. So far, I'm not motivated. I tell myself "I will do better tomorrow", "I will eat less tomorrow". Everything is tomorrow. But it needs to be today. My goal this week is to make tomorrow today.

I have cut out all fast food. Really really glad. But that isn't good enough. I need to cut out more of the processed food. I'd like to cut out more starchy foods because that is where my weight comes from. And sugar too.

I also need to be more motivated about exercise. I thought getting a treadmill would be the "magical" push and weight loss for me, but walking and walking and walking just gets old fast. So, we got a wii from my cousin and it has some awesome exercise stuff on the game I got. And that is cool. But I don't feel like it's a workout at all.
My arms have blown up since I got pregnant so I've been doing weights. Works great! I feel the muscles being worked, I feel sore the next day. That is what I need to motivate me! I need to feel it working.
Hopefully with the treadmill, the weights, and the wii I will be able to feel something.

I really would like to buy a hoop. I don't think I could do tricks and stuff but the idea of listening to music and hooping to it just makes me happy! Whenever I hear music I picture people hooping. I need to get one...

I need to constantly remind myself that bad food is more weight and that less exercise is more weight. I NEED to get 100% motivated. I need to feel good about myself.

God, help me do this like I have before!

My Little Brother.

My little brother Adam is 17 today! Time has flown by SO quickly... It makes me sad that he is almost a man already! Just yesterday he was a sweet little blonde haired cutie pie! And now he is a 6'1 working young man! So bitter sweet.

Adam and I were never close when we were little. He was my brother and sister's buddy and I was the "spoiled fat brat" that never fit in.

Once they moved away Adam and I started to bond. He went with me on all my "dates" and he tagged along when I went to the movies with my best friend and he was just a good kid to hang out with.

Once he turned 15 and became interested in girls I really tried to help guide him in the right direction, that kind of made him angry :).

After he had made some mistakes he repented and decided it was time to live for Christ. What a grown up decision!

He moved to Montana almost a year ago, and even though I miss him dearly it has done wonders for him! He has grown in so many areas of his life. He is learning responsibility and he is doing school and gets to work and be around Godly influences and has good friends and family surrounding him.

I am so happy for him and I thank God for giving him this new way of life. I pray he has many many more years to do great things ahead of him!

I am very proud of my little brother :).

Happy Birthday Adam. You are the best little brother I could ask for! I love you!

God's plans.

It is 5:45 am, Kendell left a few minutes ago for work and even though I was up until 1 am for some reason, I cannot sleep! So, I will blog and then try once again to fall asleep and hopefully sleep until 10 so that I am not over exhausted all day!


God has been opening and closing doors for us a lot lately. Showing us new opportunity and really speaking to us.

As you know I had felt God was leading us to Montana but Kendell had no thoughts or desires to even consider it because he knows nothing about it and has never been there or anything.
So I just prayed that if God wanted us there he would show Kendell and I stopped worrying about it. A few weeks later Kendell comes home one day and just randomly says "I think God wants us in Montana". That just blew my mind. Realizing God can speak to anyone and lay it on someone's heart to do something when they had no intention or thoughts about it just amazes me.



Since that day we have constantly prayed about it and have people praying with us and we feel confident it is what God wants and so we are working towards getting there.
Things are falling into place.

We need a new car, badly. Our car is so awesome, we got it for 600 dollars and it has lasted almost 2 years now and we have put very little money into it. We love our car. But it is old and rough and needs more work than it is worth now and it just isn't reliable for what we need now.

We will have half of the money we need for a car saved up by April, May at the latest. I was going to ask my Grandpa for a small loan for the rest. I am sure most people hate borrowing money, I really hate borrowing money and I really hate asking my Grandpa for money.
So I was discussing with my cousin what our plans are (he and i have grown fairly close in the last 5 months) and he says "Oh in a few months I will have the money for you to borrow, interest free (I talked him into low interest because I really want him to benefit off of this at least a little) for the amount of time you need". I was shocked! He is young, just starting out on his own, getting ready for college. But he sees it as his savings and he says it would be just like having it sit in the bank. So, God opened that door and now we have a way to get a car.


Now we have another opportunity and possibly another door opening.
Kendell applied for Walmart last year, but he didn't want the job and failed the physical so that just didn't work out nor did we feel it was supposed to. We really believe the pig farm was God's plan, it has helped in more ways than money.
But a job is a job and this one isn't supposed to be forever.
We talked to my cousin about walmart and Kendell would be making almost double what he is making now working at the pig farm.
We don't want to live in Cheyenne, but this just feels like a opportunity to save more money, faster, to get to Montana sooner and with enough money to start out well up there.
So now we are praying about this. Considering the pro's and con's. Seeing how much we would save, seeing how long we would stay in Cheyenne.

I am excited for all the opportunities God is giving us and I pray he keeps making his will for our life clear to us, and that we keep our eyes towards him through all of this so that we can make the right decisions.

Stretch Marks.

Ever since I was 8 or 9 I have had stretch marks. They are passed down from my dad's side of the family and even as skinny as he has always been he has them.

I have always hated them. Thought they were gross and not normal. I would envy other girl's my age that had none.

I have stretch marks on my back, hips, knees, legs, boobs, belly, arms.

Since I am pregnant I have lots more.

The other day they were really bothering me, I never had any on my belly until I got pregnant and I was complaining to my husband about women I see who have none that are full term pregnant or just as pregnant as me.
I expected him to just kiss my belly and tell me it's okay and that I'm beautiful and lots of women have stretch marks. A good answer that makes me feel like he loves me, but doesn't help me love myself.

Instead he did that and then told me to think of it as my family tree. He said "Think of them as a family tree, they look like the beginning of a family tree :)".
That really helped me. After I showered this morning I looked in the mirror and saw my "family tree" and I felt good about it! These aren't just stretch marks like all the rest, they aren't from getting fat, they are from growing a child inside of me!
They are a reminder of everything I have been through during the pregnancy from the kicks to the emotions to the heartburn and I am glad I have this reminder.



Side view of my belly, 33 weeks.

Day one.

I got my treadmill on Sunday, and today is day one of my exercising.

It's a manual treadmill and it is WAY harder to walk on then a normal treadmill! I get a workout after 5 minutes!

Because I am so out of shape I am taking it slow, gonna start doing 1 mile a day. It's hard to go over 2 MPH on this treadmill and my average is 1.5, so it takes awhile to do a mile. I am doing 1 mile a day, 5 minutes here 5 minutes there in between cleaning, cooking etc. Right now I couldn't do a whole mile at once.

I have lots of braxton hicks when I walk so it really takes my breath away ahaha...

I measured my thighs, calves, arms, and hips today. I will measure them once a month to see what progress I've made (after I have the baby I will measure my waist too). It was very depressing seeing how big I am with a measuring tape. But, I keep reminding myself that is changing now and that helps.

So, here is day one of a long, hard, journey.

Baby names.

We finally have our baby names picked out. We have had a boy name picked for months now but we never found a girl named and stuck with it. We had 4-5 we liked but didn't know what one was right.

Last night I finally knew what name was perfect. And Kendell likes it too :).

For a boy his name will be Jacob Lee Kilgore. We love the name Jacob and Lee is a middle name of Kendell's grandma who passed away, he was very close with her.

For a girl her name will be Emily Elizabeth Kilgore. We love Emily and Elizabeth is the middle name of my Nana who also passed away, I too was very close with her.

I am so excited to have the names picked out!

We still feel the baby will be a boy, if he comes out a she we will be so surprised but not any less happy :).

Both the names are so cute I want to use them both! Ahaha.

Counting My Blessings.

For the last month or so I have been pretty down about everything. But today I was thinking wondering why I am so down when I have so much to be happy about!

We live in a not so great apartment, but since the old neighbors moved out it hasn't been bad. There are things we need like washer/dryer hook ups and bigger bedrooms and basement apartments kinda suck. But, it's a lot better than nothing and I actually don't mind it. We have no furniture of our own other than a dresser and a couple end tables and this place is furnished and that is nice. Our new neighbor is super quiet, he is either gone, or sleeping so I never hear him or anything. We can't move this month (nothing came up in the paper so we have to wait until next month so we don't waste rent money) and I think I am okay with that :).

I have been down about some issues in my marriage, but slowly they are getting better. With communication and lots of love we get things worked out.

We need a new car, but I am done worrying about that. We can't afford one now and worrying about it does no good. God WILL provide when this one no longer runs.

We have been making enough money to pay off Dr. bills as they come in which is super nice, soon I will have weekly appointments and then we will fall behind but not enough to make a huge difference.

I started a new "schedule" for myself, with being pregnant and not sleeping much lately things were getting out of hand and I needed a daily list to motivate me into getting things done, so far so good. It's amazing what 10 minutes a day on each room can do!

I bought a treadmill, finally. After saving a quarter here and a dollar there for about 3 months, we finally had enough. It is a manual treadmill and though they don't work as good as a high quality expensive one, I am excited to start walking :). I love walking and it's so good for pregnancy, it's so good period.

I also got a awesome diet book called "love in a diet" and it's really good. It will definitely be motivating and encouraging on my journey to get back into shape after the baby is here.

This year my husband and I decided we were tired of wasting so much money on fast food and eating such bad food so we decided we aren't going to get fast food this year (very very huge challenge for us). So far we have gone 2 weeks without any! That is huge for us, usually we'd go out once a week at least. We save SO much by not going out. In place of fast food we have "pizza night" where we buy all the pizza ingredients and make pizza (or some other food that sounds really good at the time) :) it's so good and so worth not going out to eat!

So far, this year is going amazing. Probably because I am taking it 1 day at a time instead of worrying about tomorrow! So lets just say, Today is a great day, and Tomorrow will be too!

I have a great husband, a wonderful pregnancy, a roof over my head, great food in my belly, and a God that loves me, no matter what:).

Feel like writing. Don't what to write about...

Lately things have been rough. There are issues in my marriage and issues in my life that really bother me and no matter what I do... they can't be fixed by me.

New neighbors moved in next to us today. I haven't met them yet but I think it's 2 men and that makes me uncomfortable because I am home alone all day, with a door that doesn't close or lock right, with no protection and windows that open easily.
I know I shouldn't just assume they are weirdo's, but I have always been in a way afraid of men.

I have been sexually abused. I have been used by men. And for some reason I can't get over it and instead of it making me stronger, I fear the opposite sex.
I won't be alone with a man. I won't ride in a car with any men (other than family).
Even when my best friend and her husband visit, if she leaves the room for 5 minutes I feel anxiety.

There are very few men I feel comfortable around. I want to feel comfortable around all different kinds of people. I want to feel confident and in control.

I won't discuss the issues in my marriage, but it's not getting better and I am so hurt.

We need to move in the next 10 days, but nothing NOTHING has come up for rent. I am trying so hard to trust that God has it under control but it's hard when this town has never had anything decent for rent at a good price...

We need a new car. Our car really isn't safe for my husband to drive back and forth to work, or for me, and especially not safe for a baby. But, all of the tax money we were getting we are no longer getting so a new car is nowhere in our near future unless God has a miracle. Which he does.... I know this but sometimes I just can't help being negative.

My husband is working 6 days a week again, to make some extra money for Dr. bills. Maybe it's necessary, but I know it doesn't help the things in our marriage and our marriage should come first.

Well.. Now that I am in tears, and more depressed than before.
I am ready for my emotions to calm down and be back to how they are supposed to be.

2012. Happy New Year!

Every new year I like to write a list of things I would like to do, or not to do, or continue doing. Usually I lose the paper saying what I wanted that year so usually I'm never disappointed.

This year, first of all I would like to have a good pregnancy the next 10-12 weeks and give birth to a healthy happy baby.


This year I would like to love myself, inside and out.
I would like to get healthy and fit after I have the baby but either way, I want to love myself when I look in the mirror.

I would like to meet a new friend, who lives in my town and has things in common with me (kids, someone who loves Jesus as much as me, who is married, who shares the same opinions and beliefs as me), at least someone who has a baby or babies.

I would like to become more social, I am afraid to even go out my door in this town without someone with me. I would like to walk around and not be worried.

I would like to get a new car, We NEED a new car...

I would like to move to a house that is good for us, with what we need and want where we can be happy and not have terrible neighbors.

I would like to figure out where we would like to move and what we would like to do business wise.

I would like to stop going to fast food places for good, and never go again.

I would like Kendell to continue losing weight and get healthy.

I would like Him to quit smoking...

I would like to be a great mom.

I would like to spend my time more wisely. I would like more energy to do things!

My mind is blank, but there is a lot of things I am going to try to do :).

Emotional.

For the past month or longer my emotions have been extremely high.

I am not usually this emotional, I'm a emotional person but the new emotional roller coaster I'm on is far worse than it has ever been. I know it's because I am pregnant but I wish I could at least control it!

One minute I will be happy and the next minute I'm hysterically crying about every little thing that has bothered me in the past 2 years! It's insane.

I also have bad or good days. Usually the moment I wake up I can tell if it's going to be a good or bad day. I would rather not wake up on the bad days. I never have had issues getting over something, if I felt negative that day I could turn on music or talk to God or do something and my day would get better. But now it's not like that and I'm stuck here miserable not knowing what to do!

I have at least 8 weeks left in the pregnancy, 8-12 weeks because I could go into labor at 38 weeks or at 42 weeks and it would still be a safe birth.
I am enjoying being pregnant but I am ready to have the baby, see his/her beautiful face!

So far the pregnancy has been amazing. Nothing has gone wrong and everything that isn't "perfect" aren't really bad.
The worst that has happened so far is I get such bad heartburn that I can't sleep without throwing up, my emotions, and my sciatica. And those are all mild compared to what it could be like!

I am so thankful God has made this pregnancy so good.

Now, here is to trying to control my emotions the next couple months!