Lost.

Since I have internet for awhile I figured I'd start blogging again. I need to start getting things out of my head.

In the last 8 months I have had a baby (she is 8 months today!), moved 3 times, Wyoming to Montana, Montana to Mississippi, Mississippi back to Wyoming, And and soon will be moving a 4th time to our own house in Wyoming.

Things have been rough. I had PPD for 4 1/2 months after Emily was born. I know I got it because we moved when she was a month old and it was really stressful and our living situation in Montana was not good. I never thought I could get PPD because being married and having a baby were always my dream and how could I be depressed when I got my dream come true? It came out of nowhere. I can't even talk/type about it without getting tears.

Now that I am over that, things are a little better. I finally smile everyday, I laugh again. I am thankful for what God has given me.

But, I am lost.

Since Emily was born I haven't had a "home" to care for. I haven't had a kitchen or a bathroom or a house of my own. The "home" in Montana didn't have a bathroom, or a kitchen that worked. I couldn't even cook or shower there.

I haven't felt like a wife since Emily was born. I used to cook 2-3 meals a day. I haven't cooked in months.

Now I'm in a real house but it's not my own and I can't cook whenever I want or clean or do anything my way. I can't even eat real food right now because we are so broke.


We have never been this broke, my husband is giving plasma just to bring in some food every week. We got here a week ago. No job calls yet. I pray so hard every night.

We NEED our own home. We NEED good food. Emily NEEDS a schedule and her own permanent bed and a house she can play in without worrying about pissing off other people. She will be crawling in the next week and I'm sad about it because she can't crawl in this house. She needs something stable. I need stable. Kendell needs stable. We all need a place we can call home. I need my kitchen and my bathroom. He needs a job he gets paid decent at and hopefully a job he can love. We need to settle down. Whether it be a year, 10 years or forever. We need to stop and stay and get established and enjoy family and love each other and be happy together.

I just want to feel like a wife again and be the mother I always wanted to be. I want to cook again. 3 meals a day and make baby food and store food and make homemade bread and invite people over to eat my food. I want to build up confidence in my cooking again. I want to be able to shower whenever I want and I want to be able to clean my house and organize my way and I want to wake up to just me, Emily and Kendell. I want to breastfeed all over my house without people around. I want Emily to be able to crawl wherever and whenever. I just need to be home. I've never been home.

God, Please please find Kendell the perfect job and the perfect home for our family.