Married life. Job oportunity & 2011.

We have been married for almost 3 weeks now. We are still slowly moving in. We have one more car load of my hope chest and that will be all of it. It's very exciting putting all of our things out and using all of my dishes and things for the first time.

Recently I talked to a man that needs a babysitter for his 3 1/2 year old girl. He said he was going to call me back and come by sometime after Christmas, but I haven't gotten a call yet so I'm getting extremely anxious. I was really looking forward to getting this job. I know it's in God's hands and if he wants me to have it I will get it. I just need to give it to God and wait patiently for his answer.

I will be content just being home alone without a job I think but the extra money would be so helpful. If we could save we could get all the big expensive things we need and it would be nice to have some saved for emergencies or things that come unexpected. But again, that is in God's hands and he will take care of us not money.

One thing I really miss is keeping in touch with everyone on facebook and email. I miss knowing whats going on in people's lives and I really connected with people through facebook and I feel like a bad friend for not knowing whats going on. I felt closer to my friends when we had internet and now I feel like I can't help my friends because I never know whats going on with their lives. But thats part of life. I still have a phone but it's not the same. My friends don't just randomly text me what they have on their minds like they do on facebook or on their blogs.
Hopefully I can find another way to connect with people. Maybe write letters. We will see.

Life is good though. I can't complain. Kendell works a lot and brings home money. We even have had extra the past few checks which is nice! I've been really good at keeping the house clean and been cooking many more home cooked meals. Kendell and I both want to lose weight and get healthy in 2011. It is one of our new year resolutions. We also want to start going to church more often, or at all because we've only gone once since he moved here!

We read the bible almost daily and pray at dinner everyday. I love hearing what he prays about. It gives me butterflies knowing he has a relationship with Christ.

My friend Sarah lives about 3 blocks from me and she has visited a few times since we moved. It's nice having a friend close by to visit with while Kendell is at work. I get pretty lonely but that makes me cherish all the moments with Kendell more:).

Well I just wanted to update my blog and let you all know whats going on with me and all the blessings God has given us and still continues to give us:)

Until next time I wish you, Peace, Love, And Happiness.

Mrs.Kilgore.

Going to miss my blog.

After the 24th we will no longer have internet, or a computer and I'm going to miss it. Not only will I miss being up to date on my friends, family and news I'm going to miss my blog a whole lot! This is one of my ways to vent, my way to let all my thoughts out and to process how I feel about all the situations, trials and happy moments God sends my way.
I will have to start another journal and continue writing to God and hope that cuts it. I shouldn't be complaining. I will still get on my sisters computer and go to the library often. It's just not the same though. I write blogs when something goes through my mind to write about and by the time I get to a computer I will forget once I move! ahahah.

On a happier note, this is my last weekend living here. Kendell and I will be moving December 24th and 25th. We will be completely moved in Christmas day:) What an amazing Christmas gift from God. I am just so overwhelmed with the love Jesus Christ gives us. He is so loving and giving he is giving us a home on his birthday! He gives when we should be giving to him! All I have to offer is myself and it doesn't feel like enough! He loves me so much.

I am starting to feel the marriage more and more daily. Calling Kendell my husband and him calling me his wife is so exciting. Gives me butterflies everytime! We go to the library a lot now and I've been getting books on eating right, financial help and ways to save, marriage and love books and of course baby books! Once we get settled in I'll be reading a lot more. I love educational books. Learning something everyday is one of my goals in life! I'm young and I know I have so much to learn about everything. I can never know too much!

Well my mind has gone blank so that's all for now!

The married life.

We are now husband and wife. We said our vows, til death do us part.
Being married doesn't feel much different, yet. Once we move into our own place I think we will feel a lot different.
Moving will be great. Living with just each other will be like a dream come true! I cannot believe my dreams, all my dreams that I've wanted all my life have come true and are still coming true. I cannot believe how much God has blessed me, such a small person in this world and he's given me all I've ever wanted and all I need.
Kendell is a great husband, no not a perfect person but perfect for me. He treats me like I'm his queen and he is my king.
Being able to call myself a house wife/home maker is amazing.
Cooking, cleaning, and keeping him comfortable and feeling relaxed after work is what I live for! I feel so blessed to have someone to take care of. Someone to call MY husband!

One thing that feels different is all our younger or same age and even some of our older friends are still dating or just having fun, finishing highschool etc. And we are married! It must be so strange to them! But I look forward to having them over to hang out and visit, maybe have a bite to eat and play some card games or something. Our social life doesn't have to stop just because we are married. I'll still have my girl friend's and he'll still have his friends.

My life for him has grown stronger since we got married. Knowing we are going to be together forever no matter what even more than before we were married lets me love him even more, it's unbelievable how much love I have for him. All I want to do is be with him. I wait for him to get off work and then I just want to hold and cuddle him until he has to leave again! I can't get enough of him! But that is good. We are in love. And that is how it's supposed to be!

I am rambling now so i will end this blog here.
I love you Kendell Kilgore.

Mrs. Kilgore

Journals and Prayers.

So as we all know I absolutely love to write, especially on paper! I write all the time, in journals, diaries, letters, list and I used to write stories when I was little.
I also love to talk and pray to God but I've always had trouble paying attention to talking to him in my head and I hardly ever have a moment where I can speak to him out loud.

Last July my aunt brought me out a journal, with little quotes on every page. I love it. It started out as my journal just like every other one I've filled up.
But I still had the praying problem. I couldn't pray without being side tracked. I'd pray for someone and then think of something that reminded me of that person and it would just lead my thoughts somewhere else. So I decided to turn my journal into my letters to God.

I got the idea from a movie called "letters to God" about a boy with cancer that wrote letters to God. And it seemed like a great idea!

I've been writing letters to God for almost 2 months now and it works so well! I don't get side tracked and I get to say so much to him! Not just prayers but whats on my mind and not only that but I get to keep track of all my answered prayers! God has become my best friend again, closer than ever before!

It was one of the best things I have ever done! I feel so much closer to God doing this and I get to do it by writing so that is a plus!

Once I move to our new place I won't have internet so I won't have this blog anymore, or won't hardly ever get on it anyway and my letters to God are what's going to keep me sane and keep me company on the long days when Kendell is at work.

So if any of you out there have a journal and don't feel your as close to God as you'd like to be my suggestion is turn your journal into letters to God! And if you don't have a journal, just pick up a pen and start writing to God. He listens and he loves you. There is no better way to use your writing:)

3 days!

So my wedding is in 3 days and you'd think with such a quickly planned wedding there wouldn't be much stress!


I bought a wedding dress a few months ago and since then gained weight so it's a little tight so I've been trying sooo hard to lose weight and fat and that is stressful.

Telling my family is stressful, especially when half of my family doesn't approve.
I just wish they could be happy for me like Kendell's family is happy for him. Like most families are happy for their loved ones when they find the one they want to be with for the rest of their life.
I don't need approval, I don't need anyone's blessing but God's and I am 100% sure that I have his. I just wanted happiness from the people I love. I wanted to be able to share my joy with everyone! Life just doesn't work that way.

On a happy note Kendell's Aunt and Grandma are sending him money so we will be able to have a honeymoon, 1 or 2 night one anyway which will be so nice!
Another good thing is my mom put away her negative feelings and is being SO supportive now. She's going to go through her household things and give us what we need, she's going to bake her amazing home made bread for our reception and make an extra loaf for us to take home. I don't know how my dad is taking it but I'm so happy my mom is sharing my happiness. She even wanted to see our new apartment!
I think she is going to be my second witness. Because she will be able to relate to our new life and understand it. She was married young, had lots of babies, and knows what it's like to struggle like we will. She has and always will give me lots of knowledge about things I need to know and might even help me deliver our children. So I would be proud to have her as our witness.

And another great thing, my neighbor and friend Terry can't make it but he is loaning out his car to my parents and filling it with gas as my wedding present so mom and dad can make it because they can't afford to on their own.

So even though some people aren't happy for us and say hurtful things, things still are turning out good.
Thank you God for blessing us:)

The date is set!

It's official. Kendell and I are getting married December 10th 2010! Yesterday we found our own place and we will move into it the day before Christmas. Were getting married in a court house in Cheyenne, WY. I will wear my dress, and my dear friend Tawny is doing my hair and make up and giving me some shoes to complete the outfit!
I am super excited.
But, I haven't told my parents yet and I'm worried what their reaction will be. I hope they realize I am doing whats right and I hope they are relieved not angry that I am marrying Kendell before we move in together.
I'm telling my mom today and I think she will take it a lot better than my dad.
I just hope they can put aside their feelings and even though they don't approve I hope they will come to the biggest day of our lives and be pleasant and loving and not make our day stressful.
I am having a few of my closest friends and relatives there with me :). Tawny, who originally was going to be my matron of honor will be my witness. Her kids and her husband (if he is home) will also be there. Amber, Tawny's sister and my friend will be there and her 2 daughters. Hannah, my sister and her 2 daughters will be there also. Hopefully my parents and Adam will come too. My good friend Ashley and her boyfriend are going to try and make it too. And that about sums up who is going to the wedding!
After the wedding Tawny is having a reception for us at her house with cake and snacks. After that Kendell and I will do our monthly shopping and head home, and you know what happens after that!

Last night I couldn't sleep. I was so excited and nervous about telling my mom. I really hope she can rejoice with me. And if not I hope God will show me he is rejoicing with me!

My man is A MAN.

Recently someone told me that I need to train my man. And it really bothered me. Kendell is not a dog. I don't need to train him.

Kendell is not a child, I do not need to teach him how to be a man. He is a man already! I was told that I do too much for him and when I have children he will be angry to help out. What a ridiculous thing to say! But I can understand why it was said. Some women don't have the privilege of having a real man. Some really do have a child for a husband. But not me.

I cook, I clean, I make our bed, I do our laundry. I do what every stay at home house wife should do and he brings home the money and provides for me! But when I am sick and I need help Kendell helps. He will cook for himself and for me and help me do the chores. He's a very laid back, easy to please kind of guy and when I ask him for help he is more than willing to be there. He loves kids and I know he will be a very involved daddy. He won't see spending time with his kids and wife as a "chore" he will see it as a blessing and just as he sees that as a blessing I see cleaning and cooking and all the things I do for him as a blessing. I am blessed to have a man to do that for! He will come home from work relieved that he has such a nice home to come home to because whether our house is nice or crappy I will make it into "our home" and it will be a comforting, welcoming place to be, for him and our children.

When that person said I need to train him I simply said, I don't need to train him because Kendell is already good enough:). God has trained my man well and continues to mold him into the man I need and into the man he is meant to be.

So all you ladies out there that are told you do too much for your man. As long as your man is great and provides and is sweet like mine don't ever feel you do "too much" for him. It is our job to give what we can to our men and for them to do the same for us. I love my man:)

Trying so hard to let go.

I am a very loving person and I sometimes care too much. Most people would argue and say "you can never care too much!". But you can. I care about people's opinions too much. And I care about people's situations so much when I can't really do anything about it. I need to let go and do what God wants me to do with my life without worrying about other people's problems and opinions.

I was raised to think my parents opinions were the only ones that mattered and if I went against what they wanted I was rebelling. So it is really hard for me not to take other's opinions and obey others instead of doing what I believe is right.

When I moved out a few months ago it was so hard for me. I had been wanting to for months but my parents told me it was wrong. I was miserable being there. We treated eachother bad and I knew I needed to get out. Almost a year went by before I finally blew up and ended up saying some horrible stuff to them and them saying horrible things back. I look back now and know things would have gone a lot smoother if I just told them I was leaving before things got so bottled up. Even if they screamed and yelled and were angry I could have known I did what was right on my part.
But it didn't happen that way and I don't regret it. I feel because I was at the end of my rope I said things that I needed to say and I wouldn't have said if I wasn't angry. I needed to leave and I don't think I could have without being angry. And that is because I care too much.


There is some people in my life that are in a horrible situation. I want to help. But I can't. And watching them hurt and not just walk away from the life they are living and change their situation for the better hurts me. Knowing I can't help when I love them so much kills me. I don't know how not to care. I don't know how to just give them to God and stop caring and worrying and trying to help.

I need to just stop caring about everyones opinions and I need to give other peoples problems to God and leave them in his hands. I need to stop trying to do the impossible for other people. I need to live my life and worry only about what God thinks. I need to be happy. I need to focus on Kendell and I and myself. I need to let go now so that I can be stronger later because this is just the beginning of my life. I have so much more to go through and so much more I will have to let go of. I need to give it all to God.

So as of today, I am going to do what I want and need to do with my life. I'm going to learn to say no to people instead of giving my time and energy to people that don't matter. Yes I will still help people. I'm not going to be selfish. But when I help people it's going to be for the right reason. I want to help not hinder. Sometimes when people need help it weakens them because sometimes, they NEED to do it on their own! And letting go is something I have to do on my own, with no help other than from God.

If this blog is hard to understand it is because I am tired. I just needed to say this and get it out there. Thanks for reading.
Amanda

I found this on a old blog of mine! It was wrote early 2009. Sooo cute!

True love. Mine and my love's survey.
Top 5 things that make me happy:
1.
Me:Knowing that I have God on my side and no matter what the ppl I love and I will be okay as long as we stay close to him.
Him:Having God.
2.
Me:Knowing your a christian and knowing I have you forever.
Him:Having a few real friends that I can always count on.
3.
Me:My nieces and Hannah.
Him:My grandmother.
4.
Me:Being where I'm at. Being able to feel safe, do what I want and have a good relationship with my parents.
Him:Getting a good nights sleep.
5.
Me:Music,Writing,walking,my dog,the net,texting etc. lol.
Him:Texting you/talking on the phone with you.


----------------

Top 5 Favorite people:
1.
Me:God, I count him :P.
Him:God.
2.
Me:Dad&Mom, the go together.
Him:You.
3.
Me:Kendell.
Him:Shelby.
4.
Me:Hannah&My girls.
Him:Bekah.
5.
Me:My grandpa, Or Joey, Or lots of other ppl! haha.
Him:Savannah.

-----------------------------

Top 5 favorite places to be (places we've already been):
1.
Me:My room.
Him:My bed.
2.
Me:On the road walking.
Him:The youth center.
3.
Me:At andre's on the phone with you.
Him:Shelby's.
4.
Me:With my girls.
Him:Church.
5.
Me:Church.
Him:School.

----------------------------

Top 5 favorite foods:
1.
Me:Chinese.
Him:Taco's.
2.
Me:Subway.
Him:Subway.
3.
Me:Pizza.
Him:Chinese.
4.
Me:Hannah's enchaladas.
Him:Pizza.
5.
Me:Lasagna.
Him:Chicken Gizzards.

-------------------------

Top 5 favorite colors:
1.
Me:Pink.
Him:Black.
2.
Me:Green.
Him:Red.
3.
Me:Blue.
Him:Gray.
4.
Me:Black.
Him:Rust orange.
5.
Me:Red or Orange.
Him:Neon Yellow.

----------------------


Top 5 favorite songs (at the moment):
1.
Me:Beautiful beautiful- Francesca Battistelli.
Him:Nobody gonna tell me what to do-Van zant
2.
Me:To be with you-David Archuleta.
Him:Prett fly for a white guy-Offspring.
3.
Me:Beautiful-Taylor swift.
Him:Free to be me-Francesca Battistelli.
4.
Me:God you reign-Lincoln Brewster.
Him:This afternoon-Nickelback.
5.
Me:Kiss me thru the phone-Soulja boy.
Him:Addiction-Dope.


---------------------

Top 5 favorite movies:
1.
Me:A walk to remember.
Him:Surf's up.
2.
Me:Fireproof.
Him:Biker boys.
3.
Me:Walk the line.
Him:Walking tall.
4.
Me:Sweet home alabama.
Him:Fireproof.
5.
Me:The fast and the furious.
Him:Gone in 60 seconds.

------------------------

Top 5 goals for life:
1.
Me:Marrying right.
Him:Marrying you.
2.
Me:Having a wedding.
Him:Having Kids.
3.
Me:Having kids.
Him:Having a business of some kind.
4.
Me:Owning my own house.
Him:A house in the country with electricity.
5.
Me:Staying healthy.
Him:Dying.


-------------------------

Top 5 things that annoy you:
1.
Me:Adam when he's on Coffee or Chocolate.
Him:Ppl not flushing to toilet.
2.
Me:Smoking,drinking,drugs if done all the time.
Him:Aunt cindy repeating herself.
3.
Me:Nagging.
Him:Adam going through my stuff.
4.
Me:Not communicating.
Him:Uncle John telling me how bad my life is gonna suck.
5.
Me:When ppl change their mind daily.I could go on forever.
Him:Preppy blonde girls,ulcers.And posers.

-----------------------

Top 5 fears:
1.
Me:Getting old.
Him:Um...A girl named Jessi's dad.
2.
Me:Losing the ppl I love.
Him:Not being good enough.
3.
Me:This country.
Him:And losing my grandma.
4.
Me:You getting stuck down there and not being able to see me ever.
Him:Thats it.
5.
Me:Not being able to have kids.
Him:^


-------------------------------

What we love about each other-Him&me:

Me:I love how you know when something is bothering me, even if I don't say anything about it.
Him:How we both basically want the same things out of life.

Me:When you apologize without me telling you to/Realizing you hurt my feelings without me saying so.
Him:How you accept most my decisions.

Me:How you stick up for Dad when he's protecting me from getting hurt, even though sometimes he makes it sound like your bad for me (Lol).
Him:How you speak your mind without worrying what I'll say.

Me:How you learn fast from your mistakes.
Him:How your honest about my singing and guitar playing.

Me:That your independent, You want to do things on your own without government help/trust God to provide.
Him:How you accept me for who I am and don't try to change me.

Me:How your a christian.
Him:That you chose me over everyone else even though you knew it will suck for awhile.

Me:How you make me feel wanted/Missed by telling me you wish I could be in your arms at that moment or tell me how much you missed me when we werenn't texting.
Him:How you encourage me to do my thing.

Me:How you promise me things,&even when you can't keep them I know that you'll try your best and that means the world to me to know that someone tries their best for me.
Him:When you call me and leave sweet voicemails when I'm having a bad day or I'm mad at you.

Me:When I'm having a bad day and you tell me it'll be okay and you take the time to think and talk to me untill I feel better.
Him:When you tell me to text you in the middle of the night if I need to talk.

Me:How your honest and show your not perfect and don't try to impress me by being fake.
Him:How you leave random myspace comments.

Me:How you want me over any other girl, even though there are better ones and ones that live closer.
Him:That you like Kids and your good with them.

Me:That no matter what i do, you never leave.
Him:That you don't pressure me.

I miss You.

Today is the birthday of a friend of mine that died April 2009. It's a hard day for me. Mostly because I have memories of going to her birthday party when we were young. Her and I weren't that close when she died. We got back in touch through Bebo.com and then on facebook and yahoo IM. We talked about horses and boys, music and anything that came up. She was sweet and innocent and lived her life for Jesus 100%. I always saw her as too perfect to be my friend! She was so perfect and innocent and I was sinful and bad and so I never let her in or got close to her. I didn't want her to see the bad in me. I felt ashamed. And then she passed away and I wish I spent more time with her. I wish I had sleep overs with her when I had thought about it. I wish I had invited her to sleep over like we used to when we were little. I just wish I got to know her better and not feel this guilt. But wishing doesn't work and I think I need to just ask God to take this guilt away. I don't think Lena regrets it and I don't think she'd want me to. I know we'll have forever to catch up in heaven. But it's just hard for all of us who knew her and loved her to deal with today, and everyday for that matter. I pray for all the people out there that love her and miss her to be comforted by God today.
Happy Birthday Lena. We miss and Love You so much.

What do I want to do? Where do I want to be?

For the next 12 days I am at my parent's neighbors, my friend Terry's house watching his dog and house. It's the first time I've stayed up here in the middle of nowhere since I moved out and it makes me wonder. I wonder if I miss it. I'm not sure if I do, and if I do what is it that I miss? and asking myself these questions makes me wonder where do I want to live?Right now all I want is a place to call home. A place with just me and Kendell and our soon to be family. A place with love and peacefulness writen all over it. A place where people can feel welcome and cozy.As far as where that is doesn't matter to me. I don't care if I live in an apartment, or a house. If it's crappy or really nice. It's the people that make a home not the walls or roof over my head and right now I don't have a "home". I have a bed, a room, a place I live. But I never feel that I am home. It is someone else's home and not mine. I have felt this way for a long time. I am ready to have our OWN home. Not share my parents home and not share my sisters home. Have my own home to share only with my Husband and future children.But someday I would like to own our own place. With a few acres of land. Outside of town somewhere. With a garden area and a place for the kids to play and run free. But not so far from town that we are hermits.Honestly that is all I know. I don't know what I want right now. I don't know where I want to be. All I know is I want a place I can call home and feel safe and whole again. And so untill then, I will keep my head up and pray and hope that someday soon I will get what my heart desires if it's the Lord's will. I will be whole again.

2 weeks away from him.

So my old neighbor next to my mom needs me to house sit and watch his dog for 13 days, which is a lot of money that we could desperately use so it's good. But we can't afford to drive back and forth everyday so Kendell will stay here in town while I am there most days and nights. So I am having trouble being happy about this! I haven't been away from him for one day since he moved here and I'm really going to miss him!
I'm praying I can handle it and won't have to have him come get me the first day away from him.
I really want to get some money to give him a surprise Christmas present :)
I can't wait to go shopping for him and for the girl's.
We are having Thanksgiving on the 24th. Kendell works but he prefers not to go to my parents... I don't know if him and them will ever get along again. I don't blame Kendell for being angry with them. I don't really want them to see each other again either honestly. My family situation is such a mess right now I can't even think about my parents without stressing out.
Well I need to get to packing and cleaning up. I will be writing lots of blogs while I house sit. It will be nice having me time while I'm there.
I love you, Because Jesus loves me.
Amanda

November 6th & No Snow!? And of course, Thanksgiving.

Here in Wyoming we get snow practically year round. Snow stops in the middle of June sometimes and comes again at the end of September!
Some of Wyoming has gotten snow already but none that stuck. Where I live has gotten nothing! I myself am not a snow person. I don't like snow and I am a very "cold" person. So I am happy we haven't had snow. But it amazes me! No snow in November! I wonder when we will start having snow. I wonder if we'll have it before the first day of winter.
I hope we have a snowy Christmas at least! Listen to me, the one who hates cold and snow talking about "hoping it snows", Who would have thought! Thank you God, for helping me appreciate snow, and I pray once it comes I can enjoy it until it leaves for the summer again.

Onto another subject now, Thanksgiving!
I don't know about you, but Thanksgiving is one of my very favorite holidays. And no not only because of the amazing food and the 5 pounds I gain! :).
I love being Thankful for so much in one day. That special day reminds me of all God has given me, and believe me when I say, I have so much to be thankful for.
And also it's great to get the family together and eat a meal together, without bickering and complaining.
And I swear my family makes the best meals!

I will have to cut this blog short because my niece needs hugs and butterfly kisses :), precious moments!

Amanda<3

Friends Compared to God

These days I'm very "Weak", I feel alone. I feel I have no one on my side other than Kendell and God. I guess I shouldn't feel alone because all I really need is God and Kendell's approval.
I have some really great Christian friends and lately I feel intimidated by them. I feel if I say how I feel they won't like me anymore. I feel like I can't be me and if I don't agree with them they will disown me or be angry at me.
I feel disliked for who I am.
I guess this is a normal situation for most people. God's love is so much stronger than human love.
No matter how I am, what I believe, or if I'm wrong God ALWAYS loves me. It's hard for me to only have him on my side. I want a woman I can listen to and talk to and get responses and to love me for who I am, no matter what. But life doesn't work that way. Kendell and God will have to be enough for me. I'm so glad Kendell and I are best friend's because without him I don't know what I would do. I'm so glad I can write my Lord and feel an overwhelming peace.
Thank you Kendell, for being my shoulder and my best friend and for loving me no matter what I believe.
And thank you God, for being everything I need to feel at peace and have some happiness in my life. I love you both more than I could ever say<3

Happy Halloween

Today is Halloween. I didn't really do anything but my nieces looked adorable in their princess dresses and I had the great idea to have my little brother freak out my boyfriend after work. Kendell worked all day but he got some free Halloween make up and came home with fake blood all over him with a white mask. My nieces were terrified lol.
Anyway, that's all for tonight. I'm off to bed.
Happy Halloween all and Goodnight.
Amanda

The hurt and pain of losing friends.

In 2006 I met a guy online named Joey, we got really close. At the time he had cancer and he had to go through tons of Chemo and almost died many times. My feelings were so strong for him back then I sometimes wondered if I was in love with him. Now I know the feeling I felt was love. True, brother sister love. The love God talks about all through the bible. We remained friends for 3 years on and off. He was on meth for most of the time I knew him and he went through really bad mood swings and somedays he couldn't even text or call me because he was so high. It hurt me so bad to see him go through that. In March this year I finally told him goodbye forever, the pain he caused me was horrible and I could no longer watch such a great person become such a monster. Sometimes I wonder if that makes me a bad friend. He quit doing chemo and was just going to die, I made promises, told him I'd be there till the end but I couldn't be. What does that make me?
I still think about him a lot, I have to work to not text and ask how he is. But I know it's best this way. I don't want to know when he dies. I don't want to have to feel this pain all over again.
Songs I hear remind me of him, movies, the way people talk sound like him. Little things remind me of him. It's as if he was dead and this is my memory of him.
I just want to say, Joey, if you ever get better and find this. I want you to know I'm sorry for the way your life turned out when you were too young to choose. And I'm sorry for leaving you. I hope you got off the drugs and are doing better.
I love you.
Amanda.

Pawn shops, engagement rings, and ipods.

So on the 29th this month Kendell and I are going to Cheyenne to grocery shop, visit family and friends and look for Christmas presents at pawn shops.
He wants an ipod, I want an engagement ring. I have found a few I like on actual ring store sites but they just aren't unique and I want to look and see if I can find anything better at a cheaper price. I'm really excited about seeing my cousin and my best friend. I haven't seen them for a long time and I miss them. I'm also glad we can go to walmart to get some shopping done because it is SO expensive here. We will save $30+ not including gas so about $60 at least!
I really hope we can both get what we want.
Lately all I can think about is marrying him. I picture what it will be like and just can't wait.
We called about an apartment building today and they weren't renting so that was a little discouraging. I know God will show us the right place for us when it's time.
No call back from the person that wanted a nanny. I'm sure he probably found someone.
I'm a little discouraged this week, probably because I'm lacking sleep. I hurt my arm somehow and everytime I fall asleep it cramps up really bad, it's been 6 days and still isn't better.
But enough of my whining, life is good. God is good.
Love,
Amanda.

Possible First Job?....

So today I was browsing the local newspaper and I always look at the job section for Kendell just in case there is something great. And there is a part time nanny position.... Perfect job for me right? I am going to call the person tomorrow to find out more. I just have to get my license so I hope the people don't need me right away. I'm REALLY nervous about getting my lisence and getting my first job though. I am praying so hard God shows me what to do before tomorrow and that I am able to get my license and not to fail the test haha.
Kendell has a chance at becoming assistant manager at Family Dollar! Wooo! I'm pretty excited about that too. All this money could get us out of here in 2-3 months or less! Maybe I could even have a cheap but nice wedding.... I don't know. Just need lots of prayer and advice!
I'm off to go get my love from work so that's all for now.
Amanda

Life,Marriage,Babies.

Recently I moved out of my parents home. Things were very stressful for them money wise and they tend to handle their feelings wrong and hurt people without knowing it. I've wanted to move for a long time and I wish I left sooner before things got so bad between us. I left on bad terms with them and I know because I'm their last daughter it wouldn't have mattered to them how I left they would have been mad either way, but I wish I ended it better on my part. Knowing I left without being wrong would have been so better. The only thing I regret is leaving the way I did. The adult life is hard. Stressful, Living somewhere you swore you'd never live is hard but knowing God provides and trusting him makes it so much better than before. I am happy to be on my own, having someone to support and love me. Kendell and I want to get married soon. I want to get married by March. So Marriage and Babies have been on my mind a lot lately. I would like a girl first. Saralyn Shealena. Or Sara Shealyn. I can't stop thinking about it. Of course as a christian I am not supposed to get pregnant before marriage but honestly, if I did I wouldn't regret it. I would be happy. Not that it will happen lol.
For the last week all we've had to eat is ramen noodles. So many that I've made them 3 different ways and soon to be 4, adding onions and potatoes to make it better tasting.
Kendell started his 2ND job today and now he's working 34-36 hours a week instead of just 10, God provides so much for us we are so blessed. Even though we have to give up all our dates, My phone, money wasting habits and everything else we did while living with my parents, I am so much happier and content knowing even though they are angry with me that we are just helping them financially by not being there.
I pray someday soon they will forgive me for the wrong I caused them because I love them and want to forgive all the pain and hurt.
As always,
I love you, because Jesus loves me,
Amanda

The ups and downs of adulthood

I haven't blogged in weeks. Maybe even months. Just haven't been online much since my sweetheart Kendell moved up :).

Life has been busy. Mostly good, but extremely busy.

I am turning 18 in a little less than a month from now. I've been waiting for it for over 5 years. And now that it is right around the corner I am scared.

It's one of those things you think your preparing for but you just never think it's really going to happen you know?

But it's happening. And I have options and decisions to chose from and I am totally completely lost and have no idea what to do.

I am afraid of applying for a job. A REAL job. One with people other than my neighbors and friends. A full time job. I know I'd love a job. I know I'd become social and make new friends and I'd love having money. But I can't seem to force myself to apply to actually get the job.

I have the option of moving out of my parents, "spreading my wings" as some people put it. My parents however don't call it that. They call it "rebellion" and that bothers me.

All my life my job was obeying them and pleasing them. God says "Children obey your parents for this is right". So when does childhood end in God's eyes?

I want to do whats right. I want to believe doing what I want is the right thing to do because I am trying my very best to obey God and follow God. But how do I know my desires and my wants aren't clouding what God wants?

Prayer is supposed to help. But I've wanted to move out since October last year and I am still confused as to what to do.

Does that mean God is telling me to not do anything yet? Because I haven't gotten an answer does that mean to stay where I am and wait for his calling?

Kendell doesn't have a permanent job right now and soon he will be laid off. All we can do is pray he can get another job before this one ends. We are stressed about it. But I believe God has a plan for him and I know God will bless us as he has been for the last 2 years.

I am ready for marriage. I want to be pregnant and have babies so bad. I want to cook and clean my own house and I want to feed my husband before and after he goes to work. I want to comfort him when he is upset and I want to laugh with him when he is happy. I want to sleep with him and be his and I want him to be mine.

But Kendell wants to be able to support me and have his own home. And I understand that now. Waiting is so hard for me now that I know for sure this is what I want. But I will wait. Because I love him and I want him to feel comfortable with where he is at financially and I want him to feel that he is good enough for me even though I already feel he is perfect for me.

I am just frustrated with my parents and with myself and with life. It needs to speed up but slow down at the same time and I just pray God shows me the right thing to do before it is too late.

Thank you for reading and thoughts and advice are always appreciated.

As always, I love you because Jesus loves me.

Amanda.

It's been awhile...

It's been almost a month since I last blogged!

Kendell arrived May 24th.

God provided a car less than 2 weeks after he arrived and a job for him less than 3 weeks after!

Things have been going very well. We are still faced with trials and situations that need to be worked out but everyone is and we are just happy to be able to face them together instead of apart.

Summer is supposed to be here but we have been getting rain, rain, and more rain! We are hoping for some warm weather.

I am writing my brother next week to ask about buying his land and house so we can start working on it soon so I will update about that as soon as he gets back to me.

My garden is doing well. It is slow this year but well.

The ducks are growing like weeds! I swear all they want to do is eat!

Dad likes Kendell :) Kendell likes dad.

I am more in love than ever.

Everything is going great.

Thank you, God. For everything.

I love you, because Jesus loves me,

Amanda

Life is going by so fast!

Life is changing so much lately I just don't have time for blogging anymore!

My dad has been gone almost 3 weeks and will be back on saturday ( 3 days ).

Kendell will be here monday afternoon.

He is working 48 hours this week, graduating, celebrating with family, packing, and flying out here all in the same week!

I am so proud to have such a hard working man:).

Though he is very tired from working so many hours I know he will make it.

I have a lot to do before he gets here but I know I will get it all done last minute, just because thats how I am lol.

I just can't wait to start this new exciting life with him:)

I love you, Because Jesus loves me,

Amanda.

May 15th

Yesterday was sunny! No clouds, warm, and no wind. PERFECT weather.

Today is rainy, cloudy, and cold HORRIBLE weather. But either way, today and yesterday were both AMAZING days :).

9 more days until Kendell gets here. Though I'm not ready for it, I am so excited.

I've been putting off cleaning and all the things I need to do before he gets here.

But honestly I think the reason is because I want to do it with him when he IS here.

I am so anxious to do things with him. Holding his hand, cleaning his room, making this new life for us together. Everything, I can't wait to just be with him and see him with my own eyes everyday.

But I am also a little scared. Scared of him seeing me at my worst, Even though I know he'll love me no matter what I look or feel like that day.

I'm scared of growing up, for so long I've wanted Marriage and kids and I still do, but the thought of it being so close now terrifies me and I am afraid that I won't be a good enough mother or wife.

But again, God knows when I'm ready and God will show me when to get married and he knows when I should have children.

I really have nothing to fear with God on my side and me walking while holding his hand.

But I have this feeling, and I think it's just being nervous and anxious and the beginning of a new life, A CHANGE.

And to be quite honest, I've never wanted such a big change in my life, until now:).

I love you, Because Jesus loves me,

Amanda.

Today.

Today is 9 days until Kendell gets here. Today it is raining. Today is Saturday the 15Th. Today is someones birthday, someones wedding, someones death. But for me, today is the day of a new beginning. With God everyday is a new beginning. So would you like to start over? To have a second chance at life? To be forgiven for every sin you are sorry for. To have a father that has unconditional love and understanding for you, Everyday?

I don't know about you, but I say, I do:).

I love you, because Jesus loves me,

Amanda.

Ducks! :)

This one ^ is Peanut ( Adam's duck ) Name may be changed later :).

This one ^ is Dandelion ( Mom's Duck )

This one ^ is Rody ( my duck ).

So today I ordered my graduation photo's:)

I am so excited to finally be done.

I decided awhile ago I am going to homeschool my kids.

The photo above is my graduation picture card.

Whoever you are out there, I encourage you to graduate.

It is more than worth it and if you have graduated I'm sure you agree.

Untill next time, Peace, Love, And Happiness.

~Amanda

31 days!

So the story is I'm in a long distant relationship and have been for almost 2 years now.

I met Kendell when I was almost fourteen on myspace.

I wasn't interested at first then I got hurt and he was there to save me.

But then I hurt him and got with many other guys. Him and I became best friends the 4 years we talked.

In june 2008 I decided he was Everything I could ask for so I asked him if he'd date me again. July 27th 2008 we started dating.

It is april 23rd and we are still going strong.

In 31 days Kendell is moving out here to be with me ( Forever ).

I just had to share this because I know some of you out there are in a what seems to be "hopeless" relationship and I want you to know, no matter how hard it gets if you love that person, It will work.

Rain!!

This week it has rained so much! Wyoming doesn't get much rain so when we do it is soo exciting.

My lettuce is getting so much moisture it'll be coming up as soon as some warm weather hits it.

I pray this year brings plenty of rain and our garden does well.

Lord, Bring on the rain!

My garden

This year I am having four, 15x3 garden bed's. Last year I had 2 and I wanted to double it this year.

I planted lettuce 2 days ago and I started cantelope, muskmelon, watermelon, yellow squash, and zucinni.

I will have egg plant, carrots, green beans, cucumbers, sweet peppers, onions, radishes, parsnips, beets, winter cabbage, kale, and sunflowers.

I will also have other flowers but in a differen't area on our land.

I LOVE gardening and when I start my own family it will always be a family ativity and educational experience for my children and for myself.

I thank my mom for teaching me so much about planting and bringing things to life, Without her I don't know what I would do! Eat a lot of bad food I guess (haha).

That is all for now. Check back once in awhile and I will have new updates on gardening and health and all sorts of things.