Hate.

I have never been a hateful person. I am filled with love. It is one of my good traits. I hate hating. There have been very few people I can say I have hated in my life. I have strongly disliked people, but it was never hate. I used to think I couldn't hate.

I am having trouble with hate. I hate someone and I hate hating them. I try so hard not to but just thinking of them makes me angry, hurt, violent. If I saw that person right now I would probably punch her in the face. She is evil. Hateful. Selfish. Mean. Ungrateful. So many bad things.

In the 18 years I have been alive all she has ever done is hurt me. From birth she has hated me and she has admitted that before.

I can't stand being like her. Hate is her thing not mine. I think most of my hate is just hurt. I am so hurt hating her makes the pain feel a little better. I am confused about my feelings. I have never had this feeling before. I have hated one other person in my life and it felt a lot different.
I am wondering if it's different because I loved her for so long and now this. Maybe the hate I have is because I still love her. Maybe I hate that I love her. Or maybe I am just plain, hurt.

I am fine, if I don't think about her. But when I think or talk about her I cry, I get angry, I get violent, I start cussing and want to punch something. It's bad. I've never been violent but now I want to be.

I have told people if she fell off the planet I wouldn't care, and I mean it. The only reason I would care is for her kids.

She took them away from me, over and over again. I raised them for over a year of their lives and she took them away from me. I was their second mom. I loved them more than she ever could because people like her can't love. This is why I am hurt. I don't care about her, I don't give a shit about her. She is nothing to me. But her kids are. And that is why I am hurt. That is why I am so angry.

I don't want to hurt anymore. And I don't want to hate anymore either. I want to find a way to forgive her but forgiving her feels so wrong right now. Hating her FEELS right. WHY??? I don't know.

I am so exhausted from crying over this. People say she's not worth the tears but I'm not crying because I miss her. I'm crying because I miss my babies. My girls. My precious angels that have a messed up life. I'm crying because I can't help them and they are helpless.

God, please help me forgive and stop hurting, and please don't let me hate anymore.