Feeling blue. Time for a change.

For the past couple of weeks I have been feeling really down and I have no idea why. I know hormones change a lot during pregnancy and that might be part of it but I feel so stupid having bad feelings and feeling negative when I have some much good in my life right now.

I'm pregnant and having a baby, I'm married to a great man that works hard for me and our child. I have a nice apartment with internet, cable, electricity, everything I need and want.

We had extra money for Christmas and I was able to get things I wanted and Kendell got things he wanted.

Everything is going so well so I have no reason to feel like this.

I feel fat. And not because I am pregnant, I love my baby belly and my belly doesn't bother me at all. It's all the weight I had everywhere else before I got pregnant. I have always fluctuated but this time I gained so much more than normal. I know it's my fault, I stopped eating well and stopped exercising last year and just kept putting on weight until one day I realized I gained 50 pounds.

I know I can lose it all after the baby but I need a treadmill.
I won't walk in town. I lived in the country so long I have a fear of walking in town. I live by the high school with all the bad drivers and the high school boys that have no respect for women. And there are at least 5 dogs on my block that I don't want to have to run from.


I know if I had a treadmill I would motivate myself to walk at least a mile a day. I lost 35 pounds one year from walking a mile a day so I also know walking is the best exercise for me, and it's safe to walk while nursing and pregnant.

So, I am starting a treadmill fund. Every time I want junk food I will put the money I would have spent on that food into the jar. Every time I save a dollar instead of spending it on things that will make me more unhealthy I will put it in the jar.


My Husband is obese and I want to be able to say I helped him lose the weight and get healthy. I don't want to look back and think "I asked him to go get fast food". I want to be a good mother and wife and part of that is eating well, and feeding my family well.

I know losing weight does not mean I will automatically love myself. I know best that no matter what weight you are you can hate yourself. Part of being a new mom is going to be showing my children that no one is perfect but we are to love each other and ourselves anyway and to do that, I need to love myself first whether I weight 180 or 130.

So, here is to losing weight, eating healthy, and loving myself again.